“I want to obey, Mother….I don’t want to disobey...!”
The penance my confessor gave me one more time after having failed the first time, was weighing on me, for now, we were on Saturday — today, or never. Tomorrow is my confession, and how could I appear before my confessor and have to confess I failed my penance again?
I wanted to obey.
During one Reading Meeting we read from the book Letters to a Beginner, and one of the chapters was about the theme of obedience to our elders, our superiors, the ones put in charge over us and responsible for the sanctification of our souls, giving some examples of saints who obeyed and were greatly rewarded—and their stories were inspiring. I stated one more time: "I really didn’t want to disobey."
“If I end up getting tomorrow and see I did not tell them, then I disobey out of weakness...—or would I disobey out of pride and self-will?”
I poured out my heart and desire to Mama Mary, “I want to obey, Mother…”. Asking her help to obey God.
Right after the Lord’s Supper, some events happened!
The first event:
Asking my sister-in-law, “Can I leave Jesus here?” while entering her room which was quieter during the day and not so much action in the whole house. More silent. — “Sure!” she replies. I managed to let her know, “This is Jesus!” I can see grace has moved and helped me open up my mouth and speak. After several attempts to tell her this during the week, today it happened.
The second event:
I needed wine for the Supper, lacking it for two days now. My sister-in-law and two others decided to go out, and my mom asks her to buy something. Upon leaving, my sister-in-law asks one more time if we need anything else. In my mind, I was like, “I do!!” but was unable to say it out loud. How could I ask I needed wine?? ME? of all people in the house?? Questions would arise right after.
They left.
“Oh, man...!” I lamented inwardly.
A few minutes later the doorbell rang. My sister-in-law is sitting at the entrance step, at the main door below, asking me to bring some sunglasses for my niece as the sun was hitting directly into her eyes.
“...The asking if I need something else before leaving; now the delay to go because of sunglasses…..— Lord??” Could not be just a coincidence.
Going down to hand her the glasses, somehow I get my guts loosened and courageously begin to ask about the Chinese little store nearby, eventually asking her to buy me a little square package of cooking wine.
She agreed.
After a while, she arrives home with my brothers as they all met on the way back—all were home at once. A few moments later, casually, from her room, she informs me, “I bought you the wine!”
My heart skipped a bit.
“Wine!!?" Mom asks from the kitchen.
There goes my attempt to be discreet and unnoticed about it.
“Do you want to cook something?” My sister-in-law asked, “Is it for cooking?”
“No…” I reply with my face feeling warm, most surely red at that moment. It was out into the open now. Another puzzle was given to them: the wine.
The third event:
In the evening, one of my brothers was in his room on the bed, and I see entering and my mouth begins to speak, “Shall I tell others…?”
“What?” he asks.
Silently I gestured toward the Monstrance twice, until he got it.
“…—And what it is for?”
“They all know.” He replied causally.
“Wha—?…They do??”
“Well, they all perceived it, what it is.”
During the conversation, as I asked some little clarifying questions, he affirmed in his own words, “That this is the body of Jesus. His body and blood, as it is said, right?”
“Yeah,” I replied smiling inside. “Do you know what that means?”
After a little chuckle, he lets me know he still remembers the words I told him a long while back when I took my Franciscan Vows. I had told him I got ordained as a priest too, not only as a Sister.
“You still remember that?!”
“I do. I might seem as if I forget, but...—” he cut short his sentence, allowing the silence to finish it.
“—you keep it deep in the heart, huh,” I added.
“Yeah.” He affirms in a short reply.
Something fell off of me. My shoulders felt lighter. Evermore ahead the Lord moved and brought in for a visit a cousin with her husband, then an auntie of mine, for the first time they saw me in my habit, in person. Obviously, my heart beat faster during these encounters, but in the end, Mama Mary helped me obey. She has won the day and brought God glory and honor. She did it for Him, and she did it for me too. Thank the Lord our God who, more and more, wins territory in the long-lasting struggle about Fear.