May God bless you with oceans of graces.
So, upon arriving at the Mountain, for some hours in the mornings, I would go to my spot in the woods—whatever good spot I would find—and I would then spend my time with Jesus, there as Holy Spirit would lead us.
Recalling that Mother Elisha advised us to journal—to begin to journal— that the Lord would like to speak to us also—I simply took the chance one day and simply put fears aside and just gave it a try. It would harm nobody after all to just type it down whatever you pick up in your thoughts. As Blessed Mother said before, “First you just write, then you discern.” So I moved with baby steps and tried to listen to the Lord’s heart. I have tried before to converse and journal with Him, but this time it felt different.
During my worship time, He chose encouraging and reassuring songs of His love and of my safety near him. As I listened and went along with the songs, I would see myself on my knees, as if sitting on the floor of the Throne room simply looking up to the Father as He ministered to my frail soul that NOTHING, I ever do will separate Him from me. This hit me with realizations that that is actually true! I have my issues of fearing that the Lord might distance Himself because of my misery. Eventually, I saw myself being held by Father God as my head rested on His right arm, my head reaching up to his elbow. He was bigger than I. His light shone on me as if with the warmth of a cozy blanket over you. It was comfortable to just close your eyes and rest in His arms as a child, finally. His facial expression was all soft with a gentle caring smile and even His eyes smiled with softness.
So He was speaking through the songs also—yes—but I tried the other thing of journaling for real too.
I said,
My Lord, thank you for being, and bringing me here to be with you, and you with me. Thank you for the songs and for holding me as you did. My heart, also, today it did not feel so empty of worship. So thank you for your love, care, and mercy.
As an aside, I would at times, have some stages where, although the songs play and even if they might be ever-loving, at times there is a vague sense in me where there is no emotions or feelings felt towards any song (well, most of the songs) even if I wanted to worship. It’s like being “empty of worship”, as I call it).
I said, Lord, what is on your heart? I then simply wrote down the flow of thoughts.
Jesus began saying…
“I love you with a love everlasting. A love that lasts unto eternity and beyond. Don’t ever fear coming close to Me openly. I wait for you with wide-open arms, not to judge you for your misery and constant mistakes as you deem it, but to hold you and caress and strengthen you for the journey with My unfathomable and unfailing love.
“You fear to come to Me, but I tell you: Fear not, for I am with you, your God who went before you and is here for you, not against you.”
And here I somehow thought of my falls and my fretting over them, and He said right away…
“Yes, I do know all of your mistakes - past, present, and future - but I don’t look at them as much as you do, My child. You focus too much on your mistakes and flaws, rather than eyes and heart fixed on Me over and over and over again.
“I see that you try to please Me so I don’t ever condemn you, rather I want and wish to help you, sustain you and show you that you can rely on Me boldly, totally, about everything. When you are fearful of heart and weak, I sustain you with My mercy. I keep you before My eyes because I cherish and love you. I want you to come to Me often no matter what you might be doing.”
And the idea of this that came to my mind was whatever you might be doing, lift up your eyes to Him, lift up yourself to his countenance wherever you be.
“Yes, come in Spirit and in Truth. Your soul needs Me and My healing so you could blossom into that one child I envisioned you to be. Don’t fear to come closer to Me, I am a God of mercy and healing.”
And then I said…. But why do I fear you so much, Lord?
Jesus answered…
“Dread of punishment. You fear being punished for your faults and mistakes.”
Well—you’re right….
“There is a lot of fear strongholds aimed against you to cripple and incapacitate you and your moving forward with Me in your destiny I have for you.”
[Sigh] I try to resist or fight these, Lord, but still…. somehow…. Though I must say I see your hand of breakthrough in many areas by far, so I believe even this will be won over in due timing.
Jesus answered,
“Yes, My plans for you are great and I shall bring them forth for you to see and behold the mighty and loving hand of your God, who is for you, for you until the end of ends. I cherish and hold you tight, believe Me, even if you do not exactly feel it in terms of emotions, ain’t that meaning it’s not true.” [He mimics a gesture.]
[Laugh]
“Trust My hand, provision and providence in our life. I am truly no-where near done with you yet; I am just barely beginning.”
And I thought how time is so short, with the Rapture on the horizon, I doubted, but rebuked it right away brushing it off of my thoughts. Jesus picked up on that thought in split seconds and said right away,
“Time is in My hands; it won’t slip through My fingers. I Am Lord over all created things, seen or unseen.”
Thank you, Lord, for your unending mercy and love. Truly, how can it be that You belong to me? It feels so surreal! [soft sigh]. Thank you for even, and forever, existing.
Then I went on to share some of my struggles and I said to him…
Lord, I would like to ask your help— or rather, to give you this heart of mine regarding the Vows. I asked Mother Mary to please—see to this heart and, if it be so, prepare it, dear Mother, to be abandoned and willingly surrendered to God’s will for me, without fearing family’s thoughts, or those of the world’s. And please see to my own being about my resistance of wearing a habit and a vail. I trust in you Lord and blessed Mother…. I am willing to be made willing. Amen!
(I’ve got to be honest, along my days before coming to the Lord, for some reason I would develop a certain resistance about the clothing the nuns would wear. Defining them as “They all look the same, plain and boring.!” As if having no freedom of choice in clothing [Laugh]. So I would just shun the idea of wearing very religious garments, such as those nuns in a convent or so. I could say that the clothing there was a reason I never wanted to enter a monastery and live there [Laugh]. Although I did like the other stuff they had and practiced and the works they did there and so forth.)
So, then after sharing my thought with the Lord about this, I picked up on this short sentence:
“Greatest honor one could ever have than to marry Jesus.”
It felt like the voice of Mother Mary herself.
I said back to her, “Amen, Mother!”.
She went on to say…
“Cling to Him, my child, with all of your heart. He is truly with, and for you in this walk and journey together. And I am also! So don’t fear anything seen or unseen. We are here to help and assist you.”
Then Momma spoke gently with an encouraging tone,
“Through valleys or mountains, sun or rain, hail, and storms; be of good cheer, all goes well in the hands of our Papa! You are safe and sound with Him.”
I said to Mother—Dear Mother, would you please help me in this all He has spoken of? I want to do so, but I need help in the action of it. Thank you for all your help and intercession!
I love you, as Jesus enables me :)
Amen