An emotional crisis happened one day. It hit me hard as a dewdrop on top of all when I got a reading on “loving your neighbor” from St. Therese’s book. For days, since I arrived in Portugal, I got the Lord’s Supper Reading of loving a neighbor.
Was there something I was not doing?
It hit hard. At times having the temptation of throwing the book away in fits of anger, or hit the walls in frustration, bang my head on the ground, or walk away from the Lord’s presence and give up on loving neighbors. For so far I noticed I “feel” no love for them. Whenever I would receive a word of loving your neighbor, an instant chill of coldness and indifference is felt instead. I thus realize my abyss of misery and lose myself in sorrow and grief of unbalanced emotions swayed by this.
From 10AM until 12PM the battle went on. I could not start the Lord’s Supper like that at all—asking for help and prayers from Papa Pio and Mother Mary.
The Anger temptations of my own weakness and failures, the angry temptations to hit something, throw something, give it all up—... they ended up in tears as I poured out before the Lord all the anger, the frustrations, retaliations felt, sorrows, and all that was locked inside. Telling Him honestly how I felt and how I saw our walk would be like as long as I live.
Calming down… we began the Supper!
You can see a precious outcome of the saints' intercessions and Mama Mary's, whom I asked for help a few moments ago. The outcome could’ve been very harmful to me and the Lord, but it turned around to ALL pouring out. He protected by giving tears instead. Unburdening the soul, instead of angry outbursts as the enemy would want.
That morning, I noticed the Verse of the Day in my Bible App said;
“Leave all your worries with him, for he cares for you.” (1 Peter 5:7)
And so He made it for me later in that day, as He made me pour it all out to Him, leaving them there with Him. And He gave peace of soul in exchange.
What set the winds for the emotions to rage, was when He denied me the desire I had to advance a drawing. I was feeling dry and empty of prayer, so I wanted to do something to fill myself up, if I may put it so. But He denied it. In my pride and self-will, I took it not so good, and it got bad when the last drop fell of Love Your Neighbor word. I was not feeling up to loving anything at that point.
I was off.
During that time, I got other Rhemas, which altogether say:
“When you cannot live up to the ideal you have set for yourself, [to be able to love and not give off such attitudes], live up to the one thing I ask of you before all else; TRUST IN MY MERCIFUL LOVE. In this way you will always be pleasing to Me; in moments of weakness as much as in times of regularity and generous fidelity to the rule. [and this one was one of those moments of weakness and not so good on generous fidelity].
“Unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone, but if it does, it bears much fruit! [dying to self, evil emotions, strong depressive selves, and being humble too]
“Love only what God loves.
(“What does God love?” I questioned. “He loves the Truth. He loves righteousness. He loves you.” I heard in my mind as a reply. Could not accept myself being loved at that moment either).
“The devil is strong with people who fear him, but weak with those who despise him. – Papa Pio” [I wondered about this one].
Before I crushed down, He already saw that it would happen and went ahead, giving a word beforehand. And afterward, He listened throughout the pouring out, at every wandering step, at each tear.
A day ago, one of the Rhemas said:
Though you fall, I can make you new. My grace reaches for you! [With a Rope of Grace extended to a hand, grabbing it].
Today, it came to pass. So there’s hope.
And after it all passed, more in calm waters now, I gazed at the Consecrated Host which has in it an image I can perceive, of Jesus and His bride, both in deep tears. I wondered, "I have two weeks in Portugal so far, and have honestly cried twice. Will my stay here going to be shedding tears often? Both tears of victories He wins for me, and tears of suffering?"
A while ago, a picture of a meek Pope crying, with a quote said (paraphrased):
“It is better to shed tears than to yield to anger. For tears are healing for the soul, while anger destroys it inwards.
And so it happened. I had told the Lord, all this whiling up inside me would explode one day. It’s just a matter of—if it will be an explosion of tears or an explosion of anger, throwing and hitting things. This time He gave the healing of the soul —tears. Thanks be to God.
. . . . .
[Days later...]
I found out the love your neighbor readings referenced themselves to my family, as my Superior mentioned it—not at all about what I thought it was about...
I was not spending enough time helping them or being there for them, but mostly up here in my ceiling room, tending to my things and ministry. The Lord kept getting rhemas of loving your neighbor and I could feel a nudge that it might be about neglecting time with them in favor of my own duties...
My Superior suggested I get a schedule based on the location I am in. And since I am with family now, and He wants me to serve and help them—gotta rearrange it.
After confessing another struggle I noticed I still had, my confessor tells me, “Well, you know what your penance is gonna be this week then,” she chuckled, but was serious.
“Oh no...!” I said, “Oh NO!!” I repeated.
“Yeah!” She affirmed gently, saying more afterward, but my mind and ears were already veering off wandering in another direction.
I was still feeling fearful and seemingly hiding my priesthood from the rest [of the family], feeling tense if possible, “found out!”
For the next week, my penance was to tell the rest of my family members that I am a priest...!