My Mess & God's Response
May the Lord bless and keep you.
I’m back with a few messages. Some of them are from way back, which the Lord confirmed that I have to share with you. I will start with them in chronological order, until we get to the most recent message given.
You will notice the mess I am during these upcoming messages. And that is a good thing I guess.
This is how I share them with God and the answers that He gives me. The message that I’m about to share with you is one of those. Dialoguing with Jesus about it as I enlist to Him the burdens of the heart back then.
So, here it goes:
April 6th, 2022
Yesterday, Lord, you have witnessed it again. My tantrums.
“I have seen it, and my mercy holds you up. You don’t have to hate yourself every time I expose a fault in you, dear. I am a most merciful Father in whose hands you have to continually learn to trust and rely.
“So please do tell me what is burdening your heart. I am listening.”
Well… first, I’m selfish. Second, I can’t love people. Thirdly, I hate areas in me. Fourth, I am extremely prideful and sensitive. Fifth, I am easily irritated, judge, and downgrade souls. I move in selfish motives behind an act. If something were to be asked of me to do that I don’t want to do, I might as well ignore it and not do it.
Sixth, I fear You will be always displeased and send me to purgatory, which weirdly enough has become a fear and a burden now? Then, when You allow me to fall, I want to run away and not look at You. As if, before You show me how you have been displeased over and over, I will distance myself and reject all before I get rejected and wound more and get wounded more. So, in the end — that is selfish.
I am attached even to the food that is permissible to eat. Because this life with You has to be given up certain foods, certain pleasures — I crave those I can eat. Thus, I feel like a beast. Yesterday, all that happened due to my stomach/appetite. Then, when I realized it, I wanted to punish myself and starve. When I had asked You if I may eat something and you said ‘no’, I gave You another tantrum. My appetite, or more exactly, because I am deprived of certain foods – this whole thing with food is a messed up bitter sour soup.
And then there is this feeling of coldness of heart. I realized I don’t love anybody. I don’t love my neighbors, I don’t love my enemies, I don’t love myself, I don’t love a certain type of people. I don’t love the poor. I don’t even know how to love my friends . . . Another torment is the thought that You blessed me with skills and many abilities, but I feel all even poorer due to not being able to love from a sincere heart. At times, it causes me to look back in old days and compare how my heart was then toward the poor, no matter who they were, and how my heart is now. Feels You have removed that part from me because now I presume, I assume, I judge, and I look down on them on a certain type of people. I suspect. And I very deeply falsely accusing the type of people even at the glance of them . . .
Then, there is the confusion over materials.
I continued sharing my burdens with Him.
It’s a scrupulous attitude not knowing Your exact direction. At times, because of fear to indulge or feed the flesh or overspending, or “stealing from the poor”, I don’t really know if I am allowed to buy certain things. Things that others are okay buying. If I were to be alone living in a home, who knows how I would be . . .
There are many things that You revealed to me, Lord, that throw me into an abyss of depression. And feeling depressed, rejecting myself before anyone else does it — I just remain alone. Not allowing even You free access at times. When You correct me with a Rhema, I easily fall into anxiety.
I feel I waste a lot of graces due to laziness, coldness, uncharitableness, indifference, judgment, pride, selfishness, and self-centeredness. etc.
To mention now the lustful temptations. I’m ashamed at times and feel undeserving of wearing Your wedding ring, as though wanting to remove it and leave it on the altar because I had impure temptations and wondrous eyes on some man or a boy. I feel an adulteress when this happens.
The Lord chimed in and said, “You need to distinguish between a temptation and your own inclinations, darling. Many times, they are temptations. Your will is not aligned with them. So, therefore, resist the devil and he will flee from you! I see your heart and mind and I tell you they are adulterous but striving for purity in face of temptation and to remain fidel, loyal to Me. I honor that act.”
Then, Lord, there is flattery.
A virgin who likes to be praised. I cannot deny that it does not happen. It’s like a huge ball of mess, Lord, that is just barely revealed compared to how much more there is to see about myself. Makes me think, if this little is shown to me, and I react like this at their sight – what if I were to be revealed the whole misery of myself. I would be as You said, I would die of despair and discouragement in bitter tears.
There are many things Lord, Jesus. Many things. And in all these sufferings I want to bear them patiently, but oftentimes I do the opposite. Which is another frustration! It is as though feeling ungrateful and complaining – which is something I don’t want to do.
The Lord says, “It breaks My heart to see you suffering, but if this suffering were not needed, I would have not allowed it. I rejoice with you when you have an act of the will to thank Me despite feelings raging otherwise. I count the act of the will oftentimes and embrace you in My arms, near to My heart. I don’t reject you, so you should never reject yourself, My dear.
“You don’t have to run away when I expose you before My mirror. In My eyes, you are accepted! Try to literally ACCEPT yourself in your misery. The solution for your deep misery is My deep mercy shed on you. I know it hurts. . . but, please, allow Me further reign into your depths. Do not hold back from Me because of fear. Allow Me to share in your suffering. Permit Me to further prune the dead branches so you be very fruitful in Me. Allow Me that, and you will not be overcome nor disappointed by grief. I stay with you and do not abandon My little child to the hands of her own disperses and those barking around her.
“I will make you more grateful, but as I was said by My Mother, these changes won’t come in a night.” He chuckles. “I take you through the long process because that is the best way and most glorious. On this road, there are many lessons, experiences, ups and downs – much I strew along this path, and I wish you walk it through until the end, with Me.“
Then, during my Adoration time, He brought it up that He wanted to say something else. And I continued:
Thank you, Lord Jesus, for having spoken until now on this issue. I am here, listening. Trying to be open to it.
He began, “Glad you came! I want to say some more about it. I define this as an act of love for Me that you should bear such heaviness on a daily basis and be willing to persevere and push through. I have seen every sigh, every tear, every tearing, and I hold each of them as a treasure of My own. You do not count on yourself for anything, and that is wisdom, for so you reply on Me and My mercy for you.
“You have yet to rely on My mercy sooo much. Compared to the amount of how much I invite you to abide in My merciful heart and hands, you are but barely there, My darling. I wish to teach you a straight lesson on how to ABIDE in My mercy. It is always there, you just need a redirection of focus. Not so much on the negativity, much more on the brightness I offer you on this side of Me. My mercy. You don’t have to ‘understand’ it, you just have to accept and trust it. That’s all I ask. It is great and adorable in My eyes when My mercy blooms in your life. Your persona and faults, as I said, I expose so I can heal and cover in My mercy. A wound in My sight is a wound healed when I am given permission to work it out in My own wisdom and ways. This at times does not mean suffering will be excluded. But even that suffering becomes a healing balm.
“I will teach your eyes and mind to redirect themselves to Me always, more often. I will consume your mind with thoughts My own and will breathe life upon you so you believe the truth I tell you, in whatever way it comes to you. You will no longer beat yourself down at each – well, almost each – discipline. I am working in you and great is My hand at work in a soul willing to receive a blow.
“I am taking you from the shadow of mind and bringing you healing light. Your mind will be My mind. I will take every erroneous thought and inflate truth and healing upon it. But even now, thank you for bearing it with Me, with the patience as you can muster now.” He smiles.
“Gratefulness is always a good door to walk through in daily life. Thank you for putting forth the effort! I am pleased to see your try! Though you have lapses I count the willingness and aid you always. Do not fear the slip-ups and the back-falls – I always catch you. Count on Me. I always do. I am that confident friend you can fall back into, and you will always feel My hands backing you up.
“Keep on fighting the good fight! I AM ALWAYS WITH YOU. FOR YOU! And I love you. I will teach you how to love. That is a prayer and a desire I am about to fulfill.”
I truly do desire to love, Lord…
He said, “And you shall love greatly in Me. I abide in you and with you, and when I see your heart aching for love . . . . . will I turn a deaf ear? No, My darling, I am taking you through ups and downs and will accomplish My ways and plan for you.
“Do not be dismayed and yield so much to discouragement. Receive of ME and reject the enemy.”
And that was the end of Jesus’ message.