A few days ago, I opened up to the Lord about a desire, a drawing I kept sensing in me for a while now. Ever wondering why this inner magnetic pulling. I had never brought this topic openly to him. I refrained myself from doing it because this is His Passion we are talking about after all — His sacred sufferings and wounds — a deep respectful subject. So, I never brought it up to him for fear of falling into pride like, “I’m going too far, [have] to step back now” — “That’s not for me to go into”, “It’s too holy.”
But, opening up now, there appeared a short dialogue between him and me about this subject.
So, I began saying to him:
It feels like a no-go territory when pondering about it, Lord. I don’t know why but when I think of the people who suffered in their beds — some even with your visible or invisible stigmata — I wonder, and I gaze at them with such admiration [for] their love for you to this extent. I see Father Ezekiel, I hear about Padre Pio and many others who shared in Your Passion… but, although feeling this drawing toward this suffering, I dare not think high that such would happen with me. But also, I do not dare think this could happen because I fear that great suffering and the extent of such a suffering love. But yet again the depth in me prevails and cries out louder than the fears.
And I kept wondering, if I were to think of my strength to endure such great agony, then of course no way I could handle anything of that kind of sufferings because I’m very weak, even in little sufferings. But then again, I often find myself thinking how these sufferings the souls go through in Your Passion bring in souls to the Kingdom. It’s a laid down love. Like You.
Then I heard someone saying,
“And that’s why it is so appealing [to] those souls because that is the Christ in them.”
And I said, Yeah, Christ is appealing in his “charm of love” I responded to the voice.
Then I continued writing and sharing with the Lord.
I dare not think, though, that even a thorn would be on my head, but I figure out that it is a negative denial in a form of fear and unbelief. Also fearing that once given, if it were to be given in some way, I would be either prideful, ungrateful, or toss the gift aside and not cultivate it, letting it catch dust instead.
Then I wanted to delete this next section and not include it in here, out of my journal. But I was told to be honest and to leave everything as it is.
So, I went on saying to the Lord, a bit off track, I said to Him:
Sometimes I’m afraid to be given so many blessings and gifts because my flesh and fallen state take them for granted eventually, and I’m not so fully practicing and cultivating them. Then I went on explaining what kind of gifts I want to practice more, and concluded, saying to him that when I see the shortness of time and all I desire to cultivate and practice daily, even, some things, like those in ministry, they take precedence and others are in a long-standby mode. Sometimes the shortness of time gets me bitter as though time is flying so fast and soon the day is over and it feels like there is so little moving forward with the things you have given me to accomplish and practice, Lord.
But I remember I have to be grateful that time is like this—going fast, because that is protection—both for those suffering now in torments and both for the Tribulation times ahead.
And, since you had placed that drawing toward sharing in suffering with you, for souls, for love of you – even in this there is a meaning and a purpose you have in mind, right? It might not be as I think, but it might be another type of laid-down suffering love you have prepared for me somewhere. If the desire is there, it has a purpose.
Then a voice then cuts in and says, first of all:
“And we DO have time to accomplish all things to do!” I hear in my spirit in an encouraging mode. I don’t know who said it, but then I had then stopped writing, honestly resisting myself. This is the first time I bring this topic to Him, openly. Up until now I kept it to myself. I felt insecure, honestly fearing this is a no-go zone for a little weak one, lest I find myself as if exulting myself or wishing to go into territory that is too holy—you know, the stigmata and the Passion of Christ.
However, I sensed a nudge and a gentle pulling to open up and bring this puzzle to Him also, not to hold it back within myself as usual. So, sensing this tugging, I began to hear in my spirit when I gave in and,
Jesus began saying:
“I have called you in a deeper affectionate love for me. It comes in layers. Love manifests in layers along the journey with me. As the soul keeps walking with me lovingly and obediently, they go deeper in me. And in my depths lay the fire for salvation of souls, the same fire of love that caused me to go up to Calvary.
“That same love covers and consumes many souls suffering through My Passion. Although they [may] be weak in strength and resistance of pain, their souls cry out louder to me and I empower them to endure through all. Their love for me and for souls casts out the fear of suffering.”
As like, fearing to suffer much because of worrying of one’s own wellbeing.
Jesus continued,
“SELF is overcome as I dominate them with my power and grace, putting them on fire for souls as I am on fire for them.
“Although you [may] be little and frail, incapable of bearing much pain, your desire is manifested in a way fitting for your soul. I begin little before going big!
“No need to fear having such desires, since they do come from me. I see them and I tend to them and their fulfillment as I see most fitting.”
Jesus continues,
“No soul has ever been worthy of having My Passion encrypted in their bodies — but I willed it for them. It was my desire and my love for them. I have gone through the Passion FOR them, and now that I see and behold a soul sincerely wishing to share in my suffering, I grant them their desire as I see most fitting. I cultivate them myself and am ever very grateful for their willingness and laid down affectionate love for me and souls’ salvation.
“It is not easy, for nothing long-lasting comes in as ‘easy’. But with me it is easy to bear because Love makes it easy to endure even through the most tormenting pain. For Love knows no boundaries. And that is the love I wish mankind would be consumed with – a boundless love like my own. I am ever wanting to shower it in great torrents and measures on mankind and when I see a soul willing for that, I run with anticipation and great gratefulness and tender affection to them, to support and help them through, so they would not give up eventually.”
Then, as I recalled Father Ezekiel in my mind and the way he suffers, and many other souls like him, the Lord said;
“As your eyes used to tenderly gaze upon Father Ezekiel in his bed of suffering, thus I gaze at him through you. Your eyes are My eyes—your countenance, my countenance of gratitude for him. That soft drawing, honor, and respect that is often felt for him and many more — that is only one tiny increment of how I feel towards them. I suffer with them, and I rejoice with you. I am in all. Over all My Own. I share in the suffering of all, and rejoice with the one who rejoices, greatly even more over those who rejoice in suffering. Even if they were to rejoice after the suffering.”
He smirks, giving me the understanding of how we tend to complain and be frustrated, disoriented and bitter while going through the trials. But, as we get out of them, we look back and rejoice for having gone through them and of what was accomplished in those trials in his goodness.
“Yes”, He confirms, as I reasoned on this.
Thank you Lord for sharing your heart on this.
“It’s my pleasure and delight, My daughter. Thank you for coming to listen.”
After this I had stopped for the day, thinking there is nothing else to add. However, a day after watching a movie that Father Ezekiel had recommended, I realized that this suffering love is so much deeper than I thought. It might be even heavier than I thought. The movie threw me into a new pondering for that day. The movie was “Romero”. It was about an Archbishop who was martyred during a very difficult season in El Salvador back in his days. The people who were going through so much oppression and persecution that it made me think, will I really be up to this if such were to happen to me? Well, in my case, knowing myself by far, I can apply the word where the Lord says, “The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.” Therefore, I would have to totally lean on the Lord’s grace and mercy because even though my will might be willing, my flesh is weak, and I cannot trust itself.
I saw that the Passion of Christ for some people comes as in sickness, for others as in emotional torments, others in seemingly impossible events taking place around them that seem to be with no way out. And for others it is having their bodies destroyed into pieces, tortured, or having their blood spilled on the ground. The Archbishop Romero said to the people of El Salvador when they were being killed and tortured by the military soldiers, “You should know that you have not suffered alone”, he said to them, “for you are the Church. You are the people of God. You are Jesus in the here and now. He is crucified in you just as surely he was crucified 2000 years ago on that hill outside Jerusalem. And you should know that your pain and your suffering, like his, will contribute to El Salvador’s liberation and redemption.”
But once, Father Ezekiel said to me, “What you suffer through is no less important to what I suffer through.” That both his extreme pains and those of my own, inward, or external, are of equal value. One is not higher than the other, because one’s cross might be heavier for another soul, thus the Lord having fashioned a cross specifically for each. The Lord, knowing the frame of each soul, if you can’t bear a certain degree of pain and it’s too much for you, he will not allow it to happen. But if it does happen, as it happens, in the way that it happened — then you are strong to endure it, for in the hour of weakness, you will see his strength empowering you. If you die daily for Him, eventually when the hour for the physical death—when it comes, death will not scare you for you have died daily for him. But even if it does scare you at the moment of death, whenever death my come upon you, fear not, He is by your side.
Then I felt Jesus had something to say He took over:
“My people, the sorrow of death will not be yours, it will be a cause of joy as you enter to be with me into eternity. Every blow you receive, I receive it with you. Every blow is a blow of grace hitting a soul. Many at the hour of death called upon me and I was there, very, very, very near to them, closer they would think.
“I will help you when the hour is upon you. Do not ever be afraid of what the body is put under, I will never let you go through something dangerous for your soul and salvation. I empower you and will always, especially at the hour of death. The fear of what will happen to your body will evaporate. If there be anything you fear to go through bring it to me and trust I will see the best for you. Trust me. Fear sometimes, many times, causes a soul to run the opposite way when the oppression arrives heavier. Bring to me the things you fear to go through. I will take them unto myself and care for you onward. Fight fear by putting your confidence and trust in me. Don’t fear what man [does] or will do to you. Allow me to move through you even and especially then. It is then that I move into minds and hearts of imprisoned souls in the hands of the enemy. I move. Your suffering is so appreciated [by] me that when I see it, I cannot be still and do nothing. Your confidence and trust in me in this dire moment enflames me to go and conquer the enemy souls. Men do not see it, but the trust of such a soul is a living flame to me—one burning bright enough that it is clearly seen from heaven above. Who can resist that?
“The power of the enemy will come upon you, My Church, when the hour is come, but fear not. Though in this world you will have great trouble—I did overcome all. I will do so in you again, and again, and again, for you belong to Me. I am not going to leave you exposed in weakness. I am your shield. I will remain so.”
That was the end of Jesus’ words.
I have to be honest; I have a feeling the Lord is raising up an army of souls, the real deal so to say, who will not be like Esau who sold his inheritance for a [bowl of soup; who will not be like Judas Iscariot who sold Jesus for a little bit of money; and who will not even be like Peter who, in the hour of fear, denied the Lord. I believe that though we are weak, the Lord is going to be strong in us. And I feel that Heartdwellers Ghana is a part of that Army that He is raising up in these end times.
And so, as such laid down love and such beds of sufferings would come and increase upon us and the church — with all the evil one will witness in the times ahead—one must be so consumed with Love, that hatred won’t consume him when the hour for the worst mankind has seen comes upon all.
Therefore, be filled with love. You have him by your side.