So, the fifth year. Somehow things happen that I am reminded constantly of some dreams I have had, and I’m advised by Rainbow to email them to Mother Elisha so she could maybe discern them for me. Mother Elisha responds to my email suggesting that I would fill an application so she could then bring it before the Lord and discern it properly. A few days later, she lets me know that Jesus confirms my application of going to Ghana. [“What?”] Suddenly I find myself on the Heartdwellers Ghana boat—breaking shyness and video-chatting with the very Mary Elisha, herself—being added to the intercessors’ group right after—given the opportunities to help with the ministry itself in various tasks…! Things moved so fast for the next two months. But then suddenly I must go to Moldova with my family for one month. Initially, I didn't want to go, but I just had to ask the Lord and see what HE had to say about that not to just rely on my own opinion, which was my usual thing to do. And yes, he confirms that I must go by giving me the topic of the “Holy Spirit". It couldn’t be more clear, right?
Upon arriving at Moldova, the days were so nostalgic as a Springtime rainy month was in season. It was a blessing to be there and witness all that natural beauty once again. But I had a strange notion inside myself from the moment I arrived there; “It feels like Jesus deliberately brought me here now so I could see my relatives, for them to see me, one last time…before I go to Ghana soon. And who knows when they will see me again. What a feeling”, I thought.
After some time, it is decided that my mom and I will be staying all the way until August due to her health treatment that she began, which was the main reason for us coming here at Moldova.
One night I had a dream while staying there:
Being at the edge of the village, on the other side of the road, you would only see fields and lands. In my dream I see Jesus on the field of my neighbor. He was almost at the finish line on the field. His right leg was bound with a cord, a thick one, to the cross, which made it very difficult for him to move. He was dragging it, but he was struggling with it. Dragging his cross, bleeding from the crown of thorns, tired and gasping for air. As I was just walking out through our gate, I noticed Him immediately and my whole inner being cried out in anguish, and I was stirred to go and help him carry his cross. But I sensed my mom was walking behind me, and I felt tense. I did not approach Jesus despite wanting desperately to go and help him. I felt fear. Fear of being seen near Jesus and helping him, in the eyes of my mom. Gradually my steps headed down the road, opposite from Jesus's direction in the field. I just kept on walking, wishing I could just run toward him and ACT, boldly once and for all. But my steps moved further and further from Him. "If I can't go, then at least someone to go to him and help him!", I lamented with sadness, but hopeful for "someone" to do it. As I walk and think of this, wishing, there were laborers in a vineyard, weary and tired of the day’s work. Many men were sitting down in a line at the edge of the vineyard. But one man, in particular, got my focus as I had insight into his soul seeking more than just this plain day-to-day life. And simultaneously to my thoughts of someone going to help Jesus, he immediately stood up and looked toward Jesus' direction. And then I knew he would just go and help Jesus without fail.
And that was the end of my dream.
"This again….” I woke up thinking of another failure—another failed action. “Why do I keep walking away from You, Lord, in my dreams?!”, I said, sad and frustrated of these constant failures. I have had other dreams where I am presented something from God, of God, like a puzzle of my destiny, or something—and I just turn and go about my business—just wishing that I could help Him. Pondering on this dream, I begged the Lord as I was speaking with him in my own mind and heart, saying to him, "Next time this happens, let me act, Lord! [like, I thought, let me act in a dream] I’m tired of this turning away!”, I said with firm meaning.
A few days later, I find myself receiving some rather clear Rhemas in the span of 7 days, which spoke of "Renouncing all things for Him”—"Leaving"—"Him empowering woman", etc. Very constant and obvious ones, which were so oddly clear that I emailed them to Mother Elisha to see what's with them. She reached back to me saying that it’s the Lord, meaning about me going to Ghana, and what He will do there, what I will go through, and so on. But then, shortly after, she comes right back and says in a surprised state that the Lord told her, “I am actually calling her to the Mountain.”
The funny thing is, I noticed Jesus gives peace when such big news and changes come to me. The first day is always peaceful, then, comes the storm. The next 7 days I battle my flesh and fears in a new, real level. On the night of the first day, I went to sleep with my whole body trembling and shaking; my heart beating faster than usual in a normal, passive position, without me doing any activities; my mind streaming every scene possible; family, documents, airplanes, tickets, possible family rejections, and so forth. Thoughts non-stop in a rollercoaster—merry-go—round—all the time.
Asking blessed Mary's help was my drop of peace falling upon me to silence my trembling body and mind, allowing sleep for a few minutes. Until it all would begin anew. Constant Hail Mary's were on my mind for the next [few] days.
Being told that I was to go to the mountain as soon as possible, I was advised to change the date of my ticket again, the one back to Portugal. But I resisted that idea. The rush-ness of it all almost depleted me and filled me with anxiety while still reasoning and battling myself on varied fronts about it. Yes, I did act and try to gather info to see how to change the date but deep down I did not do it with a real gut intention. I was not settled on wanting the date being changed. I actually didn't want it to changed.
My mind kept thinking for days, “If I don’t answer this call, how will I face Father God at Judgment Day, or even after I die where I would have to give account for this? [The] family will be less guilty because they tried to stop me not knowing what they were doing. But I, knowing very well what I had to do, decided not to do it and to rather listen to family's thoughts and perspectives. They will be less guilty. My denial to answer God will not only damage me and my eternity but theirs too... The souls perishing because I refused to answer—I will be held accountable for them also—ALL of this, if I don’t answer You, Lord.
"But if I do answer, then the pain, the loss, and the suffering will be seen as worthy when I stand before You on that Day. Where even family members will say, 'Thank God you did not listen to us and did answer His calling!’”
I would imagine the scene in my mind and place myself on that Day on both sides, battling and discerning the fruits it will give me.
“…If I don’t answer, I will lose Jesus and the depth I so long to have with him. It will be like death to all this we [had] built until now. Even if I were to continue to do art or ministry, knowing I did not answer His real Action-Call, all this art will become an idol, meaningless and vain." I was walking around and cleaning seeing whatever I had to do. Because was given tasks to do. My body was moving but my mind was totally not there. Walking, I let out a sudden loud, anxious, but hilarious cry "I DON’T WANNA DIEEEEE!!!” Thinking of all the things I would lose in the scope of eternity. "I can’t wait for all this to be over and see how it all turned out to be!!” I would think in my anxieties.
I would feel Jesus as if being distant those days, but why on earth would I keep on seeming heart-shapes if I was resisting his will to change the date of that ticket? Was I deluded and imagining things? During those days Jesus even gave a message to Mother Elisha about Obedience, but I still didn't want to change that date. (I must have given her such hard headaches. Oh boy.) I just set myself onto searching for the tickets that would get me to America. Then checking with Mother Elisha about the date of this American ticket, she went to the Lord to confirm if to go for this one, but she came back with other news from the Lord. She said, I am to leave from Moldova straight to America, never setting foot in Portugal. The idea did not surprise me that much because I did think randomly in split seconds along those days, “What if I were to leave directly from here to America? Hmmm.” Both of us felt that if I went back to Portugal, I won't be stepping foot on the mountain. Something would've happened that would've kept me back.
It is strange and interesting to think that the first week I showed so much resistance to the idea of changing that ticket back to Portugal, but near the end of the first week, where the second week began and this new “news” came to me, I was so on board to totally leave directly from Moldova to America! So willing and so bent for it! No resistance, but only strong inner courage and boldness overcame my whole being to be action-bent! Well, that's Grace for you. In God’s wisdom, that first week He allowed me to see my incapability to act—my frailty, fears, weakness; The flesh at war with the spirit. Then the second week, it was all Him and His grace—how it actually empowers a wimp like me. [Laugh] All my life I have been mostly provided for by family in documents, payments, and so forth, since we all lived together under the same roof. So I lacked in experience and knowledge on how to manage things around. I was not very experienced in the world. However, here I see myself going alone to the city in a taxi with my own money, arrange the documents and preparations, calling people, reaching out to this person, to that person, to this airline company, to that client service. All action like never before in my life for a very quiet and introverted person! But, in all this, it was to be expected that suffering would be involved somehow. Ain’t it gonna be so smooth doubtlessly.
I would see a bunch of 555, so much so that it was obvious the fact that, "Ok, something is definitely going to happen”. I normally thought it would be about my family. However, it had a different turn. My first ticket to America which we bought had a stop in Israel, which we had to cancel because I was told by the airline company we could not stop for Layover in Tel Aviv without a VISA. The second ticket which we bought for America had some issues also. Having in mind this new law that European Schengen-Countries could not fly directly to America, I had to travel to a Non-Schengen country to stay in quarantine for 14 days before entering the United States, in which we planned for Croatia. But soon after, brother Juniper (who came from Germany two weeks before me) and Mother Elisha discovered that Moldova itself was a Non-Schengen country! And I’ve been staying there for 2 months. That was perfect! (Yay Lord!) But suffering was still to come as Jesus would play songs about it, and its major theme was of “Waiting”. I presumed the waiting had to do with the current problem we had then over that one canceled ticket.
So when we had all the tickets ready and scheduled with all the documents needed ready, the day arrived where I had to leave. Having Jesus say, “Take nothing for the journey,” I just took my blue backpack filled it with my books and some little stuff I would need on the way, and left Mom as I told her I needed something from the city. She felt a bit frustrated and maybe even angry that I yet again refused to be specific about my doings and she went back inside while I moved on, a bit sad that this was our farewell—her mad at me.
I left. With each step I made, I could not believe this is actually happening finally. When it was obvious that I was gone, Mom tried to call me numerous times as she felt very sick and bad for this sudden socked action of mine. I only responded to her telling [her] that I’m okay and giving instruction as of where I left my letter to her. Brothers, father, sister-in-law, they all reached out to me, but I answered none until arriving after close to flying off. I never knew what they actually had to say exactly since I did not answer. But when I did, they proved that I’m a mess [laugh]. They turned out to be a very good supporting family—a hurt family for doing this more like this to them—but they did not reject me as I always thought they would do.
My first flight from Moldova to Istanbul went well. I arrived in Istanbul and got a Yotel room inside the airport itself for the night and settled on waiting for my next flight, with a strange forbearing feeling, “Everything seems well and smooth by far…. Hmm, it can’t be that easy!“ I thought, thinking something might come tomorrow. And yes, something did come.
The next day I wait in line for the check-in but soon am told that I cannot fly with this ticket to America because it had a Layover in Greece, which was a European Schengen-country in which I cannot lay foot on that land if I want to go to America. I had to buy another ticket for, this one in the end, is now “useless”. A DIRECT flight from Istanbul to Houston is what I needed to make it to the United States of America. And it had to be for the very next day because if not I would lose all the other flights that we had scheduled.
I went running to find that ticket somehow and found out that the only one available for tomorrow is $2,000-something USD (the same close amount in euros). “Where would I get all that money from?!” I went around, kind of you know perplexed [laugh], I went around that airport speedy-paced trying to see and buy this ticket within a day. Thank God I had some cash in euros, and some in USD that I could use. I went to check how much I had available on my credit card (my debit card) and soon I realize the card got stuck inside the ATM and would not let it come out at all.
“Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me…...?!” Without a ticket—my only debit card was stuck—in a strange airport—alone on my own. ”….Perfect!….”
In my attempts to have my debit card back, I stopped some people here and there to help me, but few could help me really. Thoughts would come in suggesting “In case there is no way for this ticket and its payment, I might as well just…with the little money that I have, I might just go back…”
Then I thought, “Is that it? We come this far and no more? …Can’t be! Surely, He will have a way for this too!” I clung to that hope. And feeling desperate, instead of doing what the police officers had suggested as a possible try for me to do, I just slowly walk back to try and find that ATM again. In my last attempt to ask for help, I stopped a man who in turn stopped his co-worker who was just coming out of the bathroom. They speak of my situation and this co-worker person (I’ll name him Timmy), says he will help me. Walking away from the ATM we begin a short dialog and ask where I came from, finding out that I’m from Moldova he suddenly speaks some Romanian words (which is almost identical to Moldova’s language). The guy was Turkish but spoke good Romanian! OH GOD! it made it so much easier for me to communicate now! And as we tend to getting out my debit card with some other help he got, knowing of my situation with the ticket, he wonders at the price of that ticket and says he, himself is an Airline Company worker/or a manager of the same Turkish Airline and his company provides a cheaper price for a same direct ticket to America for the next day. (Whaaat!!) Timmy was the point of contact for me to get help at that airport because since he worked there, he knew people and through him, other people came to help with the ticket. Then finally, we managed to get my debit card out, and thanks be to God, one of my family members helped me by transferring a certain amount of money to my debit card and managed to buy a new ticket within a day for $1000-something, USD mingled with euros and mingled with some Turkish money I had. I don’t even know how we managed to pay the full price of that ticket, since we had all this mingling of money! But it happened, I have no idea how it happened exactly, but that’s Crazy! [laugh]. I ended up kissing that ticket even though I was looking silly with that mask on that I had. I didn’t care, I was relieved. Finally! I had even forgotten to eat the whole day with all that going on. The sun sets down, people fell asleep, and I went to grab myself some food at 3 in the morning, staying awake all night—waiting.
Morning comes and the time for check-in is near. All I hope at this time is that it will go well, I kept think in my heart. A person then comes to me to see my passport and ticket and tells me to come with her aside for a moment. They tell me my ESTA Visa got canceled by America itself, since America thought that I flew with first ticket which landed in Greece, which I did not put my foot on that plane anyway. So, when I found out that my ETSA Visa got canceled, my heart fell a bit and I just sat there on the chair; waiting, for America to re-open my ETSA Visa as a lady was there helping me with proofs in my passport that I did not go to Greece but stayed inside Istanbul the whole time and did not exit the country. In the end they re-opened my ESTA Visa after waiting an hour perhaps, and my check-in went well but in a rush. The passengers were already boarding on the airplane! The lady who attended me had to rush herself to call and manage me a spot, or stop the airplane or whatever, just for me to get inside that plane too! I run again as fast as I can across all that airport to find my Gate, with a dry mouth, and with tired muscles (because yeah, I hadn’t really run that long in a while, really [laugh]). Oh, but thank you LORD Jesus I managed to the gate and passed it well. So, finally I set off from Istanbul to America.
My arrival to Houston went well, but since it was night, the airport was all empty—almost all empty and all stores were closed. As I walk to my find the Gate of my next flight, I tried to connect to their Free internet that the airport offers but my phone refuses to do that. I had noticed that since all this started my phone was playing tricks on me; up to 7 or more apps would close on me instantly; my Bible app, Skype, Facebook, Messenger, my music Worship playlist, Google, Instagram. And now since I could not connect even to the internet, I asked a police officer about something, and it turns out he was going to help me with the issue of my phone. We ended up resetting it, completely. But it was an unauthorized reset. Therefore, the phone would not allow me to Log in inside the phone itself…. I was in a blackout.
My phone was useless at this stage. I lost contact with everybody; Mother Elisha, the intercessors, Rainbow, family—no one—NOTHING. Trying to call Mother Clare or Mother Elisha from a police officer inside that airport would only lead me to their voicemail, which was not really what I wanted at that time! [Laugh]. We tried to contact Mother Elisha via Facebook through the police officer’s Facebook account which he was kind enough to allow me to use his phone to message Mother. Then I went out—waiting.
Hours passed and I felt desperate, cold, hungry, smelly by now, alone again with whatever little money left, afraid to use another ATM again, lest it gets stuck again. But above all, what hit me and scared me the most was being cut off from everybody. I honestly broke down at that moment. Through all the events and obstacles He held me with His grace and strength and kept me strong, nonetheless, that no tear was shed—but I felt a calm inner peace reign in me in all of those days before. I sensed it, in spite of all of those things that I was going through. “We have come so far, Lord…. Would you leave me now like this?” My tears begged Him to get me at least someone I could contact. “At least mother Elisha, Lord. I don’t know what the next step is when flying to Albuquerque.” I was even thinking if this check-in would be successful again. “Anything, but this, don’t leave me contactless. It’s no fun…” [laugh] I always would go back and check with the police office if anyone called back. But nobody called that night—I had to wait.
Sleep held me for an hour or so since cold would wake me up here and there.
Around 6 AM I re-enter the police office and the gentleman smiles at me out of compassion, knowing of my situation and nods his head negatively, nobody reached back to me. I honestly did not expect calls anymore, I was just—I don’t even know. I’ll just board that plane to Albuquerque and then we’ll see what happens. Near that man was another gentleman that was new to me and finding out about my situation, he tries to help about my phone somehow. I see him flipping and clicking this and that internet connection on his phone to somehow connect my phone to get me internet to Login or whatever—I don’t know—but somehow, after “toying” with his phone, my phone, this internet connection—I don’t know exactly what he did, but we got in!! The phone was back! Ah, what a deep relief, and a wide smile came over me. Oh, Jesus…! And even though I had lost my social accounts due to that unauthorized reset, and because of having also lost my Portuguese phone number—I was just glad it worked again!! Now I can contact someone. The only app available for contacting someone at that point the Gmail app and Hangouts. I reached out to Rainbow to give me Mother Elisha’s Gmail. Rainbow’s reply to me brought me to hot tears of relief—she answered! Now I was no longer cut off. [laugh] I managed to get in contact with Mother Elisha and my own family.
In the end, after this nightly hour of waiting (which seemed longer than the others), I boarded on that last flight without any more complications. This was the last leg, almost at the end of this all. So it seems at the Lord allowed no more complications. (Well, other than almost losing my Lift car when in Albuquerque airport. [Laugh]) That Lift-taxi drove me to a certain meeting point where Mother Elisha and I had to meet. And after waiting some more hours, she arrived from her family’s wedding celebration, and with her was another new sister that was going to the mountain too. I ended up eating Mother Elisha’s food that she had kept after having her fill. The Lord even provided me, on that place before Mother Elisha arrived. He got a fruit-bearing tree there—apples—one of my favorites—all ready and ripe for my stomach! Fresh from the branch! Jesus provides, guys! But anyway, in the end, the Lord got me to the mountain. And now I am here.
But I have to say as a little final, that there is someone behind all of these events—the one who helped me to repent of all my childhood hidden sins—the one who inspired in me the wish, the tiny wish, to remain a virgin for the Lord—the one who prayed for me, who assisted me, who watched over me, because even my auntie, she has Her, as her protector over her whole family and house—so you can guess that she must have prayed for me. I have to be grateful because Mother Mary—Blessed Virgin Mary—was the one who really brought me to this mountain, who really brought me to the Heartdwellers, who really showed me Jesus. She’s the real, true Mother and intercessor, and all of that! To bring a soul to Jesus—to guide her—to inspire and Mother this soul to become a beautiful bride, a beautiful friend, a stunning daughter to Our God. Thank you, Mother Mary—Blessed, ever virgin, Mary!
So, as for what has happened since I arrived at the mountain, I hope to be able to tell you guys, God willing. See you next time, my dear ones. And as you can see from this testimony of mine, God is very much able to make it possible. So, be of good cheer, He can use even the most cowardly, fearful, inexperienced people, like me. His Grace is truly something else!
God bless you, until the next time.