I have been sharing with you the Lord’s messages, all His encouragement and words to us, but I have never been as clear as I should to tell you the growth acquired until now, in whatever place He moved me in these past two years. Scarce was the update I gave and what fruits they brought. I will let you in on what has been happening with me in my spiritual growth and welfare in the places the Lord moved me, and what He and Mother Mary did with me, in the hope that you can relate in some way or another, in some area, and can see for yourself the results they bring, on both sides of the coin, good and bad.
In Germany (2021/2022):
Leaving the Mountain in 2021, the Lord sent me to Germany, to a Heartdweller Sister. I met her a week ago before leaving the Mountain. She traveled back to Germany, and so the Lord sent me to her place a week later.
So staying there from November until June, those 7 months approximately, had training on me, for the Lord began to expose me to my own eyes. Suddenly I found myself short-tempered, easily irritated, prideful of how I would've preferred things to go, etc., etc... I would find myself so critical and judgmental of everything... such arrogance to what Sister would do at times. All the while the Lord was showing me my true fallen nature, my misery, one of them truly the prideful arrogance and disrespect of the heart with all its evil self. You see, I always tried to control myself and all that would give in to sin so as to not offend the Lord, but I would not be very much focused on the Lord's mercy. After a fall, I would fall deeper into negativity and condemnation, and guilt — as if sticking to me and not leaving me alone, like a sickness of the soul. The Lord allowed me to fall more and more, unable to control anything anymore until the point that I realized and admitted openly to Him, repentant and almost hopeless at that moment "How wretched is my heart, Lord...!" And suddenly, that instant when I admitted that and let myself go... I was hit with a warm clarity of the heart about His mercy for me, the "wretched sinner," this softness was so gentle, and to the touch, it was a grace that descended on me, even feeling this change physically. Just like Saint Thérèse from Lisieux got a grace that changed her child-mind into a grown one on that Christmas Day for her, I got this grace on my Christmas Eve! How wonderful, right when Sister and I walked the city streets distributing some food bags to the poor we would find. From then on my soul began to grow more into trusting the Lord's Mercy over me each time I fell, and not allowing myself to sink into the mire of negativity for having failed Him. Part of that had to do with me having a sense of perfectionism and desiring to please the Lord as best as I can and not offend Him, but I was relying too much on my own self-effort.....
Another battle I was facing there was being seen with my habit and people staring at me... Fear of Man (people) would bark at my soul. I would still go out wearing the habit, but you can imagine little or big devils running and barking loudly trying to weaken me and intimidate me from even showing up in public places. I was not well-developed enough to resist or ignore those devils and their barking, and so, being weak, I would mostly stay inside the house for the next 6 months... Going out only when needed for tasks with Sister. It became overwhelming that at one point Father Ezekiel suddenly called to check on me and I opened up about it and he was there listening. I was told that I could go in normal clothes until I would be able to go with the habit because it was not good to stay inside the house all the time... But I could not bear to fake myself for I thought I had to wear the habit always, as a Franciscan Sister. So the next day after the call, I took a test in ordinary clothes, then the next day, with the habit — I GOT TO SEE THE DIFFERENCE. In the end, the Lord and Mama Mary won the battle a few days before I left Germany. I understand now the enemy was playing with my brain and manipulating phantom fears.
As there are battles, so are there many things to celebrate. I saw the Lord restore relationships, move hearts, and touch neighbors, learning to practice brotherly love as the Lord had me one day go help Sister's neighbor next door make some cookies—she must've been 80 years old. I had to learn to lay down my own agenda and go help a soul in need, either in our own house or next door. He had me learn a lot of self-denial and much humility.
After those 6/7 months of staying in Germany, the Lord moved me to Portugal...