As I have noticed that since arriving in Germany, I have been in a Battle of Waves of Emotions: anger, very quick frustrations, and impatience, rushed judgments, quick loss of peace, irritations over every little thing, insecurities, and confusion, and so on. I have noticed also that when I am corrected by the Lord or when I figure out I got a discernment wrong, again, I feel stubborn of heart and resistant with a feeling of being hard to bend.
The pride in me is resisting the humbling process head-on.
It wasn’t this strong in me up until now — it’s weird.
After shouting out loud my struggle with the craving food, confessing it right after listening to the message on how Mother Mary Elisha also had an incident with food (you know, The Chicken Sandwich Message) – right after listening to that message, I admitted: YES, I DO CRAVE FOOD! A bunch of mixed emotions of admitting it out loud before the Lord in my mess of frustration. And yes, craving food has got to me these weeks too, even if they be in a simple good cookie. Cookie by cookie gets me into chocolate. A bite of chocolate gets me into another bite and soon I wish to wake up and be more excited to eat than to be in prayer. To have my breakfast rather than to start praying. However, after shouting it out loud, sincerely, lol, the next days I noticed self-control in my appetite. (Grace came to my rescue! Hallelujah!)
One day during one of our conversations, after I had been confessing, Mother Elisha tells me that I am indeed a hot mess but to embrace my misery and look to thank the Lord for His mercy always— at every thought that condemns me, at every irritation of emotions and any other thing, she says to embrace my misery and to thank the Lord for His mercies. But I admit I do not know how to embrace myself in misery – I want it away with!
A lot of bitter seeds came I bet, for at every negative thought there is a seed landing in a heart, so by this, I bet there is something—a lot of something, during these weeks.
But, knowing that Mother Elisha and I are to be going soon to Ghana, I am wondering that these battles I face now are preparations for the long run. Truly, as my dad said in a conversation a while ago, “The hardest battle you will face is not the outer events and situations, it will be the battle with yourself!” Having been through Afghanistan, he had to face some rough moments himself and, his wisdom in this is marking me. Truly, he knows what he is saying
And Daddy God, knowing what is ahead of us, how our patience will be toyed [with] to the extent of its limit, how emotions will boil in some situations, and knowing how frail I am and easily moved by feelings — him allowing these little battles over these little things enables and trains my patience because it will be needed. Just imagine how many kids and teens and more will be there with us and we will be needing a great deal of self-control and denying yourself to get angry.
And right here, someone began to speak to me, as I noticed by my gut feeling these words are not my own anymore:
The voice in my spirit began to say,
“This is why it is happening now. Because truly, fighting now this little stuff will enable a soul to fight the big ones when they come. It is true that things begin little before they get big. So, it’s a favor for him. A gift that you need now.”
I then said, sensing who it was in my spirit:
Therese, I have a feeling this might be you speaking now.
And she said, “I am! God granted permission. In fact, I might have spoken to you before, but you were not totally aware. “
I then went on and said:
Hmm, I wonder how you had to face this battle of emotions too in your days.
“HA! Boy was it a battle!” She chuckles, and continued, “So we just have to persevere and keep cooperating with the grace given to keep calm and control ourselves. It keeps getting better.
“I’ve got to be honest with you, you’ve got to be so happy you have these battles right now!”
She gave off a very strong enthusiastic feeling which I felt rising up within myself immediately.
“Yeah!” she continued “This is INDEED a great favor; he is yet again being SO faithful to allow this! OH REJOICE!! You are getting a chance to control feelings and emotions – what great a blessing! Because many times, as you have noticed, people are so driven by emotions, they become unbalanced.
“See that image you had a while ago? He wants that for you and for many and getting there requires emotional control. Truly, it will be so beautiful at the end! Keep pushing through, I am ever here to help you. I know this battle well”, she laughs.
And the image she is referring to is, I envisioned a very dark grey cloudy sky that covered the whole sky. Dawning light was seen only at the horizon as a line of light in the distance. There were some winds, cold winds beginning to blow occasionally — a storm was about to happen. But in the midst of this atmosphere, the soul seems to behave itself out of place. Normally one would be tossed to-and-fro like the waves of the sea. But her countenance was so calm, serene like still waters, giving off very quiet and peaceful energy as she moved here and there. She had a quietness of heart, a trust that gave off the peace of the Lord. The threatening storm did not bother her conscience for she knew in whom she was trusting and who had the control of everything. So, she was at peace.
I then responded to St. Therese, joking a bit:
Man, [laugh] I feel like I’m your since-long-known sister. You seem so open and familiar.
And she said,
“Hmm, well I have been looking after you since forever”, she laughs.
Looking after me even before I knew about you.
“YEAH!”, she responds.
And I said,
Thank you, Therese! Keep praying for us, please.
“I will!” she affirms, “Love you!”
Thank you for coming to speak today to my awareness. [chuckle]
She responded, “The Lord is faithful.”
When she says “the Lord is faithful” she is referring to a little chat I had with Him a day ago, where I was musing in between my ponderings how I haven’t yet spoken in a proper dialog with the person whose name I bear. And thus, having surprised me today like this, that she came and spoke as the Lord granted permission.
Jesus then jumped in with the same encouraging vibe as St. Therese, saying a final word, regarding this battle with emotions.
He said, “KEEP PUSHING THROUGH.” He lifts up his right hand in a fist—an encouraging fist.
And I am left chuckling and pondering at them both and how encouraging they are. Au contraire of what I thought they would be like about witnessing this extra sensitiveness of mine . . . with its quick temper that I have been having. And plus, this battle of emotion is not only to prepare my patience and control my emotion, but it is also self-knowledge—that also is a part of the lesson. Because when His grace is lessened a little bit — then you begin to see yourself, as you truly are, without His grace, truly sustaining you. So, you become aware that when you are patient in the littlest moments, or, in the long run, that is His continuous grace.
God bless you, dear ones. May you also be encouraged to “keep pushing through”, no matter what battles you have.